If spooky season isn’t your thing and you’re ready to fast-forward straight to Christmas, then you’re in luck — because ET’s got an exclusive first look at Everything Iconic podcast host and comedian Danny Pellegrino‘s new book of essays, The Jolliest Bunch: Unhinged Holiday Stories. This collection is a follow-up to Danny’s New York Times‘ best-seller, How Do I Un-Remember This?: Unfortunately True Stories, released in 2022.
Read on for a sneak peek at “Saint Claudia of Reseda.”
“I gots some stray capigoool and prasciut in my purse if ya hungry.”
These words floated out of my new friend’s mouth about seventeen minutes into our cross-country road trip. Her name was Claudia, and she was an Italian American woman in her late forties from Reseda, California, and she was driving me from the West Coast back to Ohio for Christmas. She was equal parts all her idols: Madonna, Marisa Tomei‘s character in My Cousin Vinny, and Sophia from The Golden Girls. We were basically strangers, tied only by the fact she worked at an optometrist’s office with my buddy Heather. Heather knew I wanted to get back to the Midwest on a budget and heard that Claudia was driving cross-country to visit her ex-boyfriend (Evan) near my hometown, so I strapped in for an adventure with a woman I’d just met who carried deli meat in her purse and drove a 2001 Montero Sport.
“I packed a Kind bar and some fruit snacks, so I’m okay for a little while, thanks, I replied.”
“The meats should stay good through Colorado. I bought an ice pack for ’em. And I know a bunch of restaurants on the way we can stop at if you get hungrier.”
The drive cross the country is brutal, and I’m not sure what I was thinking spending days in a car with a woman I didn’t know, convinced the couple of hundred dollars I saved would be worth the multiple days I had with Claudia, whose purse-meat aroma was quickly spreading throughout the car with thirty-four hours left on our expedition. I could barely focus on the scent as my senses were preoccupied with listening to her sing along to the Christmas with the Rat Pack playlist she’d programmed. Maybe the vocals would’ve been bearable if her nasally voice wasn’t singing “joyful all yeast onions rise” instead of “joyful all ye nations rise” during “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.”
“Are you singing… ‘yeast onion’?” I asked her.
“Yeah, ‘yeast onions.'”
“The lyric is ‘all ye nations rise.'”
“No, yeast makes things rise, so they are singing about cookin’,” Claudia corrected.
“The meat and the singing were both red flags, but being the people pleaser I am, I decided to ignore these signs and instead try to make the best of it. I sang along to Frank Sinatra while eating my packaged fruit snacks. The upside was that Claudia had a zero-f’s attitude , reminded me a bit of my grandma, and could probably help me let loose a little before I spent a week with my family.
“So you’re going to see a guy in Ohio?” I asked.
“Yeah, an ex-boyfriend and a real charmer. He’s a realtor, he drives an H2, and he’s packin’,” she bragged.
When she said he was “packin’,” I assumed she was talking about his penis. Something that happens when you’re an out gay man is that people talk to you about sex and men’s bodies a lot. Women will open up about the men they date almost instantly upon meeting you. I’ve met gals at bars who are telling me about their husband’s junk while waiting in line for the restrooms. Every interaction between a gay man and a straight woman becomes a scene from Sex and the City, and the Charlottes become Samanthas as soon as they find out you’re homosexual — and it’s one of the best parts about being a gay man.
“Congrats, girl! Does this guy know what to do with what he’s packin’ though?” I asked.
I admit my response was a little cringe, what with the girl and suddenly asking about how good this man is in the sack, but life is short, and we had a long drive ahead.
“Yeah, he points it at my forehead when we hook up. It is so hot.”
Okay, now I was a bit confused. Sure, I could picture the logistics of a man pointing his Jack Nicholson at a woman’s face, but the way she said it made me think we were on two different pages.
“So, like, when you’re going down on him, he stops to point it at your forehead?” My question was gross but necessary.
“Sometimes, but sometimes he gives it to me when I’m riding him on top. He loves it.”
I was officially lost. I didn’t necessarily want to know more, but I needed to understand the logistics of what Claudia was talking about.
“Wait, so when you said he was packin’…”
“A gun. My man takes out a gun when we have sex.”
“My body immediately tensed up. I could feel my shoulder blades lighten and my butthole clench. Sweat dripped from my brow, and my eyes went wide as she continued.
“We point the gun at each other. It’s not loaded, but it’s so hot. Ooh, I better turn on the air–“
I don’t want to kink shame. At all. However, I hadn’t met anyone who was into gun play during sex, so it caught me a bit off guard. Couple that with the fact I was just meeting this woman, and I was a teensy bit concerned.
DANNY: Heather, who is this person you set me up with? Do you know anything about Claudia?
As I waited for my buddy to respond to my text, Claudia changed the subject. She started telling me about the gifts she’d bought for Evan’s kids, whom he shared with an ex. Claudia was bringing them two toys inspired by Disney’s Tangled as holiday presents in hopes they would like her. I say inspired by, because when I saw them in the back seat, it was clear they were knockoffs. The doll Claudia bought for her ex-boyfriend’s daughters looked more like Michael Moore than Mandy Moore. There was dirt on the princess’s face that resembled stubble, and instead of a cute chameleon sidekick like the character has in the movie, there was a generic plastic frog with a voice box that unleashed barks instead of ribbits.
“Aren’t they cute?” Claudia asked.
“Yeah, but these aren’t actually from the movie. They look like other characters,” I said.
“S**T!” she yelled at the top of her lungs.
I thought Claudia was yelling because of something on the road or because she forgot something back home, like turning off the curling iron or closing her garage.
“S**t, you think my gifts are trash? F**k! S**t, s*t, s**t!” Her voice kept getting louder and more antagonistic. Just as my confusion was turning into fear, I got a ding on my phone. It was a text from Heather…
HEATHER: lol she's new at work, the only thing I know about her is she was driving to Ohio and she's on medication to quit smoking. Same one my ex took to quit. Made him nuts! Mood wings like crazy. How's it going?
At least I had an explanation for Claudia’s shifting behavior, but we were still just on hour one of our drive! How was I to survive thirty-something more hours with this deranged human with a meat locker and affinity for gunplay?
To find out what happens next on Danny’s holiday adventure, pick up a copy of The Jolliest Bunch, out everywhere books are sold on Tuesday, Oct. 24.
Excerpt courtesy of Sourcebooks.
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